Praying and Waiting

As I drove late last night to the hotel, about 45 minutes in the rain, I prayed. I’m scared and haven’t been this scared in a while. I like to stay busy in the hospital. I write my posts, or I plan something. I was doing neither when I was in the car, and the day hit me. The gravity of our situation was just staring me in the face like the oncoming headlights. It was as if I couldn’t escape the weight of the unknown future. Amanda’s life is literally hanging in the balance. I let God know how I felt; He can handle it. I fully trust Him, yet I’m scared still, and I think that’s okay. Tears fell as I cried out to God the entire rainy trip. I pleaded with God. I praised God. I promised God. 

Once in the hotel, I saw a devotion that YJ, our pastor, had texted me before I left the hospital but hadn’t noticed. It had Psalm 142:6 as the title: “Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.” I needed to hear that word at that very moment. The devotion was about David as he ran from King Saul, who was trying to kill him. As he hid in a cave, he cried out to God. My prayers, my cry to God, was as if I had read that devotion just before I prayed, not after. My cries mimicked the devotion to David’s pleas. I felt as though God was confirming that he heard me, and I found comfort in that.

I guess I’m getting good at making a recliner chair bed; I think the hotel bed was subpar compared to my hospital setup! I didn’t sleep very long and was up before my early alarm. My class went well, and I was out by 2 pm. I didn’t miss anything other than the transplant team, who seemed to be deferring to the seemingly now absent Dr. Nair. They ordered a change from Amanda to a different oral diuretic to help with discharge, but that is still in Dr. Nair’s wheelhouse.

We just don’t know any more than we did last night. We don’t know which way to go or how to plan. There’s a high likelihood we may leave here, which may be in one of three directions, all on different sides of the country, with Amanda not returning until she has a new heart. That’s pretty heavy, and we’ll have to lean heavily on God for this one. There is a lot to line up. I’ve been researching and am ready to start calling centers myself. Mayo seems to be a top choice, and Vanderbilt is as well. I think Cedars will be too cost-prohibitive for us. I just wish I could plan. I have a very direct email drafted to the transplant PA we like about how we need some news from someone, anyone, at this point.

When I got back, tensions were a little high with Amanda. I’m sure it had been a long day of waiting for her with no answers. All while I was gone, too boot. Before returning to the hospital, I needed to pick up a Target order for Amanda; she needed more hospital clothes. She didn’t eat lunch, and they had cold cut sandwiches from Panera at my class, so I didn’t have lunch either. Well, I ate the chips and cookies. Even before being plant-based, I’d have starved before eating a sandwich like that! So, I picked up some Mediterranean from a place we like in the Target area I was at for an early dinner. 

After eating, Amanda felt better; maybe she was just hangry! I was really hoping someone would come by tonight. It’s just a killer not knowing; so much is riding on this. I assume he wants everything lined up for us and is waiting for some centers to get back to him. The least he could do is face the music with us; we deserve that, at a minimum. Just fill us in on the process, how it’s going, and what we’re doing in the meantime. And if we can go home, for heaven’s sake, let us. So we have time to regroup and spend a few nights in our bed before we move cross-country!