A Rougher Night

Close to 2 in the morning, I was startled awake by the NP. I’d only been asleep maybe an hour and a half, so I was probably hard to wake. The news wasn’t good; Amanda’s CO2 levels still weren’t in a good place. The room was filling with people; the lights turned on. An ICU doctor stood at the head of the bed, and nurses stood around. They were going to reintubate. Groggy from little sleep, I asked, ‘Do I need to leave the room?’ The doctor said, ‘You’re fine where you are.’ It wasn’t like a scene from a hospital show for intubation, but still felt like a scene from Grey’s, except my Amanda was the one in the bed.

As the doctor stood at the head of the bed, he began to state loudly and confidently who the patient was, why intubation was needed, and how he would transition from her BiPAP mask to intubation. He also explained the tools and tubes he had, as well as the backup tools he carried in his back pocket. Everyone standing at the ready bedside concurred. The ICU attending looked at me and made sure I was ok to be in the room while it happened. I nodded, and then she was tubed in a matter of seconds. I never even stood up, because I would’ve had a clear view of Amanda’s face, and I just couldn’t.

After they finished, I was still sitting processing. The ICU attending came close to my side. I thought she was going to sit down on the bed with me, but she didn’t. She explained things with the NP close by. I told her to be honest with me and asked with the reintubation, what does this look like? She mentioned that Amanda might need a tracheostomy. The NP mentioned this was her second intubation since surgery, then the attending said it was highly likely she’d need one. The plan was to get the biopsy while she was out, start he CRRT to let her kidneys work better, and possibly get a CT to assess any pulmonary issues.

I was wide awake then. I didn’t even go to Amanda’s side, I just couldn’t see her like that right then, tubbed again for a third time. I had been worried about the second intubation. Now here we are with a third, and talk of a trach. I was scared. I was still believing, but was really worried about her coming out of this now. Also, with the recovery and a possible trach, I’m praying hard that there are no vocal/singing issues down the road.

I began to finish my post about yesterday as I sat in bed. The nurse was in and out, and the NPs were back and forth checking as well. I hear mumbling about her blood gas. The nurse came back in, and I asked about things. They were worried, but she didn’t let me know and just said they were fine-tuning the vent to get her in a better spot. About the time I finished my post, the nurse came in and was her chipper self, saying the blood gases were back in order.

I was tired and went to stand by Amanda for a while. It was hard to see her incubated again. This is starting to worry me, even with all we’ve been through. I know God can use all of this, I know He’s got this. We’ve been through so much and seen his faithfulness. It would be hard to believe, given how much of a fighter Amanda is and how much God has brought us through, that we wouldn’t see Him do it again. I’m believing, but I’m struggling at the same time. This is going to be one of the hardest-fought hallelujahs we’ve ever had. I asked the nurse if we could shut the lights off and pull the curtain; I needed some sleep. I put Psalm 23 on repeat with a timer set. I fell asleep crying out to God.