For Advent, I have been reading Luke. One chapter a day will have you ending on Christmas Eve if you start on December 1. I also started John a little later, but keeping the same rhythm, I’ll finish at the same time. I have been using John as my morning study. I typically read until God pushes on me. Then I dig into the verse that was pushed on me. I read multiple translations, use various study bibles, and do a word study, Greek in this case.
I’ve been doing my daily Bible study in a new journaling app for about a week now. I have horrible handwriting, and I rely on spellcheck way more than I should. I’m so used to journaling our journey that it flows better for me this way. This app will sync across my Mac devices, and I can print books from the journal entries later on if I desire. I still like physical Bibles, but I’m all about technology for my daily Bible study. I can type faster than I can write, and a big plus: I can read what I am writing this way! What follows is my journal entry from today. Typically, I don’t write this much for my daily study, but it was one of those studies where God just spoke to me. This is unabridged and not altered or proofed for public reading, but I felt compelled to share, so here you go:
For the Glory of God (in sickness)
John 11:4
When Jesus heard it, he said, “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”
I didn’t make it very far when I landed on this verse today. Four verses to be exact! As I sit here in our temporary home in Nashville, I find myself wanting a purpose in all that we’ve gone through. I know God will and has used our situation for His glory. We have enough experience to know this. I’m not saying this out of despair or trying to make myself feel better; we’ve seen God use our darkest hours to bring about glory and to shine a light on Him.
This “round,” as I’ve been calling the second transplant, has been a rough one. I’ve never had to dig as deep and hold on to my faith as I have this round. We’ve had rough patches, but I’ve never felt I was going to lose Amanda, as I did many times this year. Not to say I haven’t and don’t still check on her to make sure she is breathing. That is a bad enough feeling to wonder sometimes while she is sleeping, “Is she alive or not?” That is a feeling I wouldn’t want for anyone, and I have lived with it for 18 years now. It’s gut wenching. That pales in comparison to how it felt a few nights when nurses, doctors, and NPs came bursting through the ICU doors when Amanda had a runaway rate. It was a harrowing experience. For a refresh: https://unabandonedheart.com/one-hell-of-a-night/
Obviously, Amanda wasn’t raised from the dead, and I may just be drawing this story about Lazarus to me because of our situation, here sitting in a faraway land because of Amanda’s health. I feel it spoke what I needed to hear this morning, though. I landed on another verse later in the chapter, yet the Lord kept drawing me back to this verse and these words: “This sickness will not end in death.” I needed that; I felt as though God was telling me that. I don’t know how many spouses have gone through a time of doubt in their spouse’s life, with a “will they make it?” worry in the back of their head, but it is terrible. As I mentioned, I’ve had to deal with this for a while. Not only the feeling of whether she is alive while she is sleeping, but in the early days of her sickness, just watching her go from walking to limp, and collapsing on the floor unconscious, as well. Trying to wake a limp body, wondering if this is the time she’s not going to wake up, was horrific
I was hardened by those experiences over the years, too many to count. I thought my worries of “is she going to make it this time” had reached their height. A few days before Independence Day 2025, I was brought to almost a breaking point, and I almost lost her. Not a “is she breathing while sleeping experience”, not a trying to wake a fainted body, but doctors worried in a panic that they were going to lose her. Those experiences are two totally different ones. The latter required me to dig deep in my faith; it required something of me I’d never given to God: Amanda. I had to just settle with God in my prayers from a please save her to an “if it’s Your will, then take her.” That was an experience I’d never felt, to offer up and tell God, “Well, if it’s Your will to take the one I love the most, I’ll be obedient and comply.”
In the railroad, when they make us do something against the rules or the union agreement, we can’t refuse and have to comply. So when we do it, we’ll say this is under protest. I wanted to tell God, this is “under protest” when I said, “Take her if it’s Your will.” But I couldn’t, I had to willfully offer up what is most precious to me on this earth, her. I remember, years ago, counseling someone with a young son who’d had a rough go of things and was in the hospital. It was touch and go. I talked with YJ on it to seek advice on how best to counsel in a time like that. YJ told me that sometimes it comes to a point where you just have to surrender your loved one to God, no matter the outcome. Those words repeated themselves to me. The counsel I sought and gave to help someone else was counseling to me on that lonely hospital morning. I had to surrender, not some, but all completely. And that’s what I did.
Nashville has been full of new experiences for us both, and especially for me. I’ve had a few fun things I did to help reset and revive myself after too many harrowing nights in the ICU, like the aforementioned. Amanda and I have experienced many new things together, too, mostly milestones and different hospitally things. The experience of total surrender of what I’ve held most dear for more than half my life was one I wish I had never had to go through. In our vast experience as a couple who’s had more trials than most twice our age, I thought we’d seen it all, I thought we’d fought our most brutal battles. We hadn’t, and we had more fighting to do. Each of us fighting the same war, but different battles. We’re still fighting them now. I had to deal with some new issues when I was back in Texas, working too. I can’t call our house home because Nashville is home right now. I had to fight some battles in isolation. I dealt with some mental issues, which were new to me since I’ve never had to deal with any type of depression before. It was tough, and my eyes were opened to people who deal with that kind of thing. With all we’ve gone through, I’ve never battled depression, but being homesick in my own house proved to be a fight that was harder than expected.
All of this to say, God spoke to me through this verse this morning: “This sickness will not end in death but is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” We’ve seen God glorified via our health story many times over. He began to work in our lives many years ago, preparing us for this road, through various hospitalizations of my own. He used that then and is using this now to prepare us. What for, I don’t know, but I know He’ll use it for His glory.
I’m brought back to a recent new experience, too, when one of my old students and his mother came to visit us in the rehab hospital. She didn’t mess around and didn’t mince words; she walked into that hospital room and began to share a word God laid on her heart months before for us both, the bulk directed to me. She prophesied over us, a new experience for me. She said she had prayed, calling out to God for healing for Amanda, for a heart, and that she had danced for Amanda when she heard that Amanda had received a heart and everything was going well. Then all the issues arose, she was confused and had it out with God, saying she prayed He answered, she danced, and said it’s done. She said she wrestled with that, but God said to her, “I’m not done yet.” There were some experiences we needed to go through. And she told me specifically that God told her I needed to go through some things to prepare me for what is to come. I was in tears when she told me this. I’m in tears now.
Jesus was using Lazarus’s sickness for the glory of God. If we look right after my focus verse in vs 6, it says that when Jesus heard Lazarus was sick, he stayed two more days. Why didn’t he go right away? This was Martha and Mary’s question, too. Verse 21 and 32, ‘Lord, if you’d been here, my brother would be alive.’ Jesus stayed because he needed God to be glorified. The Greek word οὖν, translated here as ‘so,’ can also be translated as ‘therefore,’ and is in a few translations. When you change ‘so’ to ‘therefore’ in vs 6, it changes significantly. ‘When therefore he heard that he was sick, he abode at that time two days in the place where he was.’ John 11:6 ASV. Jesus chose to stay, knowing Lazarus would die (maybe making sure he was really dead!), so God would have even more glory when He raised him, versus just healing him.
Maybe we had to go through what we’ve had to endure this round so God could get more glory for what He is about to do. Maybe this past year of hell was the time Jesus waited before he left to got to Lazarus for us. Maybe the best is yet to come. Maybe God’s not done with us yet. Maybe we needed to grow a little more, go through a little more, experience new before we were ready for what God has in store. Maybe we needed to go through this to be able to handle a blessing God has in store for us.
I’m not sure of the outcome of this round, but I get a feeling that the Lord is pushing on me that we are both going to make it. It’s been a rough ride so far, beyond any level that we thought we’d have to endure. What I do know is that God will work this for good. We’ve seen Him do it time and time again, and we’ll see Him do it again.
Lord help me never to forget how You will work all things for good to those that love You, and all things will work for Your glory. Because of this, help me to always maintain joy in all circumstances, knowing what you have done in our lives. Help me to have patience in the waiting. Thank you for the good that has come out of all our battles, no matter how hard they have been to fight. Help us to always give You glory for what You have done in and through our lives. Amen
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