This is going to be a short journal entry (so much for that I got to typing and kept going; maybe I just needed to process today). I am tired and want to try and get one decent night’s sleep before I head back to the hospital tomorrow. The sleep last night wasn’t too good. I slept better but worse if that makes any sense. I was in my bed, but my mind was numb, and my heart was heavy with a dying companion of ten years next to me.
I was a wreck this morning. It was just terrible to be away from Amanda during this time, terrible that she wasn’t here for this, terrible I had to do this alone. I was up early, around 5 am. I read Psalms 23 repeatedly, trying to calm my hurting heart. I listened to multiple songs based on Psalms 23. One that stuck out was Still Waters by Leanna Crawford:
Write scripture on your heart for when you need it
‘Cause anxiety hates Psalm 23
So just say it to yourself ’til you believe it
And I’m feeling like I’m needing it right now
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leads me by still waters ’til my fears are gone
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Oh, I know You are with me, my Father, my friend
Your goodness and mercy will follow me all of my days
I know by Your still waters, I’m safe
And I was saying to myself to believe it even more. I then read Psalms 23 aloud, and Tank became visibly and vocally shaken, standing straight up on the bed and whimpering. I’m unsure how to take it, but it was odd; I’m sure they could feel the sadness.
Zoey was a little happier in the morning, and I even got a couple of wags from her. I knew I had to fight the urge to think she was getting better. After the night I’d just had beside her, I knew what the decision had to be.
It was good to have Brittany write a post for this morning. I didn’t ask her; a shared Apple note just popped up in a text early this morning. She is such a good friend. You should be glad, too, because there was no way I could have gotten a post out this morning.
I got up and went to church this morning. To be honest, I didn’t want to. Having to tell the same story repeatedly is hard in times like this. I think that is why Amanda and I are a little reclusive when we get home from hospital stays like this. I know that seems hard, and I know people care and want to know how to help; honestly, it’s hard reliving things over and over, though. Either way, it was a good move for me to go to service both this morning and this evening as well.
It is good to talk to those of you who read these entries. I don’t have to explain or repeat myself because you know what is happening and are up to date. I enjoy it when someone asks me specific questions, the kind where I know they have been reading these posts.
I called around to find a vet who would come to Brackettvile but had no luck, so I was stuck taking Zoey to Del Rio to be put down. I didn’t want her to suffer until Monday, and I knew Amanda would want me to stay a night with Tank afterward. I made an early afternoon appointment and took Tank with me so he could see it and maybe understand.
Before we left, we FaceTimed Amanda for one last goodbye with Zoey. She was more awake this time, heard and looked at Amanda, and even wagged a little. A couple of friends dug a hole at our place downtown so I could bury her once we were back. She was sedated and went peacefully. She really enjoyed the ride over, and I was glad we drove; she has always loved car rides.
I’m not sure Tank understood at the vet’s office with everyone around and all. Once back, I laid out a blanket to put her on next to the grave, my favorite blanket. I had gotten it right after the transplant, and it was for my bed in the hotel. It had the Mandalorian and baby Yoda on it. It became my chair blanket at home, and every time I would fluff it, Zoey would come running to lay on the chair with me. Even if she were lying with Amanda, she’d hop down and run to me; Amanda would always get so mad, too!
After she was lying on the blanket with a couple of her toys, I let Tank out to see her. I think he understood then; he seemed somber after that. He seems a bit sad this evening as well. I was packing, and they would both get a little pouty when we pack for a trip. He’s been by my side while I write this post.
It was a tough day today. My face hurts from crying! My head has been pounding, my sinuses feel like they are about to explode, and my eyes are sore!
Brittany has been a great advocate and has gotten a little fiery with some of the doctors and nurses when she needs to step up for Amanda in my stead. They were battling the sleeping meds with each team all day, and we thought they seemed to have gotten it taken care of. They still had to fight at the last minute again. Our cardiologist is on tomorrow, so we shouldn’t have any more issues going forward.
The PLEX was earlier today, and they gave her a big, fast push of Benadryl right before. Oddly, it made her cough and choke up. With all that has been going on, I have been busy and haven’t talked with Amanda as much as I’d like to. Emotions are tender, and she seems not to want to talk much anyway. This has been extremely hard for us both but in different ways.
I’ve been able to not worry so much with Brittany there. It was good that she didn’t come on Thursday as originally planned. She has been the go-between as well. I would text her and say, “Can I send this picture or not?” She’d advise when the best time was to call and how Amanda was doing. She is a Godsend in our time of need right now.
Unless Brittany writes another update tomorrow morning, you likely won’t hear from me until late tomorrow night. I have a few stops to make to grab some things for the hospital. I am all packed up and ready with too many clothes—I’m not planning on wearing dirty undies anymore, at least!
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