I had a night off last night to go to a show. Not a typical show for Nashville, but it had a vibe that fit this city. First, let me preface the show with how I came about going. I wasn’t expecting to commute so much when I chose the apartment; how could I know what lay ahead with this recovery? The commute isn’t bad, 20 minutes in the morning, maybe a little more if I stop to grab Amanda breakfast, and about 15 in the evening. I’ve been listening to devotions and scripture in the morning on the Dwell app, and a book in the evening. Matthew McConaughey has a new book, Poems and Prayers, that came out earlier this week. I enjoyed his book Greenlights, so I listened to it again on my evening drives. He read it himself for the audiobook, so it has a certain flair about it. It’s what you’d expect from him and not a book I’d recommend to a little old lady from Sunday school! Instead of a book signing tour for his new book, he is doing a show in a theater. According to the brochure, it is a blend of heartfelt dialogue, spoken word performances, music, and unexpected moments of connection. There are only a handful of shows, and one of them is in Nashville. They went on sale about two months ago, and I waited a few days before buying two tickets. The selection was limited, even a couple of days after they were released, and I missed the close-up front orchestra seating choice I could’ve had. Since Amanda wasn’t going to be out of the rehab hospital, I didn’t know who my date was going to be! I’d hit Larry up about coming this week, but he had other engagements and wasn’t able to come then. I had told Brett about it a while back, and he said he’d be game to go if Larry couldn’t make it. So, last night he and I went on a bro date!
McConaughey compiled his Greenlights book from journals and post-it note one-liners he’d put together since his youth. A lot of the book was for himself, he said. I think that is how this journal is. I’m slowly compiling an archive section to have all of my old Caring Bridge journal entries here on our site. I noticed that my early journal entries from that time were short and to the point. I’ve gotten better at writing over the years, too, and I am much more detailed now. These writings help me process, and I think that is why I was diligent about posting daily in the ICU. They help me flesh the day out. These writings are for me more than y’all!
As I was listening to the book, there was a part that stuck with me. McConaughey was an exchange student in Australia and stuck with a horrible family. As he recounts his time, he said he was forced into a winter, forced to look inside himself. He didn’t have anyone else, didn’t have anything he knew, and lost his crutches without his mom and dad. All of that resonated with me; we are for sure forced into a winter here. Figuratively and soon to be literally, as a healthy winter approaches, according to forecasts! I’ve been here without anyone else; Amanda was out of it for most of the really rough patches, and I had none of my close tribe here to lean on. My mother and father passed too close to all of this, and my closest confidant is battling his own as a caretaker back home, too. I guess that’s why I’ve gained friends outside of these hospital walls.
McConaughey goes on to say it was a year that shaped him. We’ve had many times like that, times that have shaped us over the years. He said it was a crisis, but he didn’t give the crisis credit. That he treaded water until the finish line; we’re treading right now. He closes the chapter saying you can’t fully appreciate the light without the shadows; I felt that. That is how Unabandoned Heart was born. We’d been through so much dark, we craved the light and knew how precious it was. We wasted no time living life to the fullest after Amanda’s first transplant.
I finished my second read, well, listen to Greenlights, then started the caretaker book by Bruce Willis’ wife. I put that one on hold while I listened to McConaughey’s new book, Poems and Prayers. It is like his first in that it is put together from poems and prayers he’d scribbled down and kept over the years. It was much shorter and broken down into several collections to make it flow better. It made me wish I’d written and kept more from when I was younger.
I had Bev lined up to come and stay with Amanda while I was gone. Amanda would say, I don’t need anyone to stay with her, but as we got closer to the date and I talked about it, she was anxious about me being gone for the night. She kept forgetting that I had someone lined up to stay with her. Not long into the night, I got a selfie from Bev. The text said they were doing a crafty project. Brett now has regular hours and training for his new sales job, so he was able to go easily. I met him in a nearby free parking area, unheard-of-for-Nashville, that his girlfriend found for us, and we walked only a couple of blocks to the Tennessee Performing Arts Center. We walked with a horde of single white females, who were all going to the show! Most would be my age and older, the bulk in their 50s, I’d imagine. When in the lobby and in line to get a drink, Brett looked around, saying, “I think I’m the youngest one here!” He joked that McConaughey was his mom’s ‘hall pass.’ The lady in front of us looked back with a smirk. Brett asked, “Yours too?” To which she quickly agreed with the giddiness of a teenage girl!
The show was good, off the cuff, as you would think a show from him would be. McConaughey opened it up with his iconic “Alright, Alright, Alright” line from Dazed and Confused. He spent the first third or so of the show telling of his reasoning behind the show, setting the stage, and speaking a bit on his views and reading poems and prayers directly from his book, which we all received a copy of when we walked in. Then he brought out Lukas Nelson, Willie’s son. Nelson spoke a bit and did a quick Q&A, then he played in the background to readings from the book. The tunes varied from blues and soul to rock and country as Nelson swapped back and forth between his electric and acoustic guitars. It added a neat and needed vibe to the show. McConaughey’s teenage son even came out and strummed one he’d wrote to poem that was about his sister. There was even one that was almost a rap. He would hum, much like his scene in The Wolf of Wall Street, then he would whistle plenty, too. If you’ve seen many of his movies, you’ll find him much like some of the characters he plays.
From his own admission and prayers, McConaughey is searching. He believes in God and is heavily encouraged belief. Even mentioning that you have to subscribe to believing in something, even if you are an atheist. As a former atheist turned Christ follower myself, I knew what McConaughey was searching for, but had yet to find: Christ. I had a heavy heart to share the saving knowledge of Jesus with him. These poems and prayers were riddled with questions of an afterlife, in hopes of a life of some sorts after this one. The answer he sought lies in a relationship with Christ. Brett and I enjoyed the show, only wishing we could have heard Nelson sing a bit more than the one song he did. Brett wasn’t the date Amanda would have been, but we had a good time! She’ll be out, and I’ll be taking her to a Nashville show soon enough anyway. We ended the night oddly at Hopdoddy. Brett could finally sit at the bar now that he was no longer an official employee!
When I was out of the show, I called Amanda. Bev had left, and she wasn’t feeling too good after taking her meds. This seems to be how it goes, her meds make her nauseous and that hasn’t gotten much better, though her eating has. She seemed to be dragging when I showed up this morning. I was early because she had OT promptly at 8 am, and it takes her every bit of 45 minutes to an hour to get up, dressed, and eat. She is sluggish on normal mornings, but has become exponentially slower nowadays. OT was leaving with her and saying goodbye. I mentioned I was going with them, but I was denied! I finally found one that plays by the rules; no one else seems to care if I go. So I hung back in the room. I eventually went to get a coffee. I could go next door to the children’s hospital, but I like going to the shop where I know the barista. It’s nice to see them and chat, even if it’s nearly a 3/4 mile hike over and back.
By the time Amanda returned, earlier than scheduled, she was only gone 30 minutes. The OT/PT are usually broken down into 45-minute sessions. All in all, she really only gets 30 minutes for each, though. They worked on arm strengthening for that session. There was a brief break, then she had the other three sessions back-to-back before lunch. One of the PT exercises was done with a group; they played cornhole. I get the feeling that Amanda thinks some of these sessions aren’t challenging enough. She was particularly displeased when they had her do a 100-piece puzzle standing. After that, when she told me what she had done, I asked, “So, you just did what we are doing in the room?” She’s supposed to have the same primary PT. The one we were assigned was on vacation for the first week we were here, then we had her for one day, and we’ve been bouncing around ever since. I think if we’d have had someone steady, it would likely have looked different. We’d also get a better assessment versus 10 different therapists with her; it’s hard for them to gauge progress that way.
While Amanda was in dialysis, I ran out to get the tires rotated on the Yukon and get the oil changed. Discount Tire was busy; there was only one parking spot left when I pulled in. It was an hour and a half before I got out of there. By then, I didn’t have enough time to get the oil changed, only enough to get groceries, go to the apartment, and cook dinner. I still beat Amanda back to the room; she got stuck in dialysis waiting for a ride back. Dinner was Amanda-approved. I took a pork tenderloin and diced it into bite-sized pieces, lightly coating in flour, and then sautéed them. I made a light brown gravy with bone broth, a bit of cream, and caramelized onions. Then I put all that over some rice. I was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I made just enough for Amanda to have a good portion, with enough for me to clean her leftovers for myself, and have another portion for leftovers to be warmed up. It’s so nice to have the travel fridge in the room to keep things like that.
Amanda is about to level where she’d be when we are a week out of a typical open heart. Did I just say that? We know different variations of open heart surgeries! That has to be a small pool that has seen what she has. We’ve done this enough to know, though. It doesn’t feel like foreign territory anymore. Her level feels more predictable now. I was lining caretakers up for when I’ll be gone, and had to add one friend to the flock. When I proposed she come up she asked me what kind of care Amanda would. I told her no personal care, but Amanda would mostly need someone around to get her back and forth to dialysis, PT, clinic follow-ups, and cook. I also used her new grandbaby, a Nashville resident, as bait to get her signed up. She told me the baby bait was a smart move! Amanda will have five full weeks with me at home before the reinforcements arrive. She has excelled so far in the nine days she’s been here in rehab. I think she will be far down the road by the time I leave for Texas in November.
I have a song completely stuck in my head after listening to it a few times while cooking. It’s a new song that Red Clay Strays sing with Need to Breathe. It has some great harmonies. Just because I can’t get it out of my head, I’m going to post it here. It was also a gauge of how Amanda still isn’t quite there cognitively, though she has improved vastly. If she were 100% she’d have killed me for singing, humming, and whistling the same part over and over! Maybe McConaughey’s humming and whistling from last night rubbed off on me!